Letting Go

When it comes to celebrating her boys’ thirtieth birthdays, my mom does not mess around. She was able to completely surprise my dad with a pre-mature “over the hill” party in his own house. She co-planned with Leah, an epic Halloween surprise for my 30th from 2,300 miles away. Then, three and a half years ago, my brother turned 30, and the tradition had to continue. At that time, we had been living in Oregon for around five and a half years, and it had been just as long since I had celebrated my brother’s birthday with him. We decided to make our Christmas trip early to take part in the shenanigans. My mom had an amazing plan take Aaron and his family out to dinner at a local barbecue place, where I would surprise him disguised as a waiter. And that is exactly what I did. I was able to find a ridiculously realistic mustache, matching an even more ridiculous mullet wig – to complete the ensemble.

Clockwise from left: Scared the hair off my dad’s head at his 30th party. My parents were in my house for over an hour dressed up as Brian and Stewie at our Halloween Party, before they revealed the surprise. And “Alex” taking Aaron’s birthday order.

Isn’t it weird how one can speak effortlessly within a casual conversation, yet when a surprise, or something special is on the line, those words that you want to come out just right creates anxiety? You just don’t want to blow it. I had plenty of time in traveling as well as few days with Leah’s family to rehearse my script many times over. I was even rehearsing as I waited in the waiters nook for a while with my heart racing waiting for my family to arrive with Aaron. Why was I nervous? Who knows – one of the unexpected conditions of the human mind. My script was to include my personal introduction and welcome to the restaurant, Squealers. I also knew I had to make a big deal about the fact that Sun King brewery was on tap. This was one of my brothers favorite new breweries at the time, and I knew he would find it interesting to know it was offered. I finally saw my family walk in, and their goes my heart in double time. Why does it keep doing that? Anyhow, my folks were seated with my brother and his family in a corner table that we had positioned just right with a hidden camera to capture this priceless moment. I approached table, and the following is what came out of my mouth: “Hi my name is Alex, welcome to Sun King…. I mean Squealers we happen to have Sun King on tap.” Son of a…! I failed already, surprise blown, right? Nope, somehow I was still in the clear. I looked over and made eye contact with my mom, my dad couldn’t handle it as his eyes darted down to his menu. My sister-in-law promptly positioned her menu across her face trying desperately to hide her smile. Strategically, I was able to position myself directly behind my brothers right shoulder, not requiring eye contact with him. I was able to proceed with the drink orders, starting with mom and her killer poker face – she’d have a Diet Coke. Dad and my sister-in-law couldn’t order waters quick enough. Aaron asked what kind of Sun King was on tap, and luckily I was able to remember accurately and tell him so. When he turned to face me to give me his order, I saw his focus change from beer to recognition in a flash resulting in a really quick double then triple take. And before he and I knew it, his head was in my stomach giving me a big old bear hug. The surprise and party continued as we went and met our extended family in a large group room. As a memento from that moment, I brought home the waiter’s Squealer’s t-shirt I wore that night.

I chose to share this story with you as an introduction to why we might hold onto certain objects. I’ve held onto that Squealer’s shirt for the last 3 1/2 years. It has lived in my shirt drawer along with a variety of other shirts from various experiences in life. I decided I needed to let it go.

This adventure we’re about to embark upon is going to give us opportunities to downsize. Forcing us to give up many materialistic things in an effort to figure out what we really need, what is really useful in our life. There is a woman getting lots of attention presenting her take on this topic – leading a movement in minimizing the stuff we hold onto in life. As far as materialistic things her whole viewpoint boils down to if you hold the object, and it gives you joy, you are meant to keep it. If it doesn’t you should let it go. I don’t fully agree with the simpleness of that statement as I believe it undermines the true meaning of joy. However it certainly holds some validity in its own right.

At the time I am writing this, Leah and I have really jumped in, beginning to purge big time. My shirt drawer was my first effort in letting go of some materialistic objects. Running into the Squealers shirt was a blessing of sorts for me. I was able to realize quickly that I did feel joy when I held that shirt, I also felt some of the anxious anticipation of that moment, and love for my brother and family. So, according to the “minimalist guru”, I should have kept the shirt, right? Nah, it is the memory of the experience that I have stored safely, and when reflected upon, actually brings me joy not the object itself. Owning this fact early on in this process is helping me a great deal with much of what I am slowly letting go of.

I consider myself a pretty practical person, yet occasionally giving into the urges to get the newest latest thing that’s going to help make my life or hobby easier and better certainly can add up. With many of these things I don’t think I’ll have too much of a problem letting go. However, there is one so called “thing” I have dreaded letting go of… My big blue raft. When Leah and I first moved to Oregon we had every intention of exploring the landscape on foot, backpacking. Maybe even getting into minimalist backpacking, pushing our bodies to the limit in order to experience isolation in God’s country as purely as possible. We did several hikes, but I’m not sure if we even truly backpacked before taking our first multi-day raft trip down the Lower Rogue. Within six months of us moving to Oregon we were invited on the trip that would ruin us from backpacking. Our eyes were opened to the fact that not only could we enjoy God’s pristine nature, be out in wilderness with friends and good community, but we could do it while having fun on rapids, saving our feet and drinking a beer! We quickly set out to save up for a full raft. We began saving and researching, coming close to a couple possible deals, until I stumbled across an old timer getting rid of some toys that were no longer appropriate for him. And that included a bright blue 14 foot SunRunner raft with a custom frame, dry boxes and oars on a custom trailer with two roll-bars, all for much less than what I nearly bought weeks prior. It was almost as if God said, “This one is for you, son – have fun – think of me when you use this.”

Bringing her home for the first time, 2012

We put the big blue raft to use enjoying a couple day trips as well as my second trip down the Lower Rogue River, learning to read and navigate the river… rowing my own boat! We had the boat for maybe six months and she still did not have a proper name. It all came together while listening to a sermon our pastor gave based on writings by Paul in Galatians as well as 2 Corinthians. He told us Paul used the Greek word, “Spudazo” meaning with fervor, or to be zealous regarding the pursuit of Christ and your life in the Word. To “get serious”. That’s it! We found her name. I looked it Leah and I told her that’s the name of the boat. Within a few days I had SPUDAZ0 in stenciled black spray pain on the back of the boat. OK, yes I know, I spelled it wrong, for anybody Googling it right now… it is spoudazo. I didn’t care I knew what it meant and I knew that probably 99.9% of people that would end up saying it wouldn’t know what it meant either. The blue spud has provided a safe means to some really epic adventures, traditions, experiences and memories. I’ve thrown my self and others out of the raft, took my kids on their first rafting trip, grown very close with the “core four”. Shoot, Leah and I celebrated her first Mother’s Day on the Lower Rogue while she was 6 months pregnant with Faith! Spudazo has been so good to me. However, I had to let go of her too. But by no means am I letting go of the memories made through the adventures conquered, and the epic times had – those have shaped me.

Our very last float on Spudazo – Mother’s Day 2019

I am looking at my surroundings, job, house, things in a new light currently. An almost nostalgic light. How cool is it that I have been able to live this phase of my life so fully that it will cause me grief as the new one begins?

There are other things in life that we hold onto, beyond the material world. As we walk through our time on this planet, we also tend to hold onto painful things as well; painful memories ,painful experiences, and bad habits. The collection of all the good and difficult experiences add up bringing us to our current state, and in some instances can incorrectly become our identity if we are true to their impact. Instead of allowing this to happen, some things really need to be let go of. But how in the world do we make that happen?

I clearly believe in one God, and therefore, I believe in an enemy, Satan, who is also known as the master of false identities. Sometimes the things we’re holding onto can transform into our identity, and falsely lead you into believing that we are nothing more than a victim or are an addict, etc. But I’m here to tell you, we are not what we own, the status we have attained, the victim of something or someone. We are children of God with a Savior who is the one true son of God. It is through Jesus that we can give our life’s struggles, give our fears, give our anxiety to and let go. Does this mean that the hurts, failures, these deep wounds just suddenly disappear? No. In no way do they just disappear. However letting go of these things can certainly provide the strength to overcome, to look forward and not be defined by the past. With just about everything in life, we are given choices, and what we hold onto is a very important choice. I believe that through your identity and what you choose to hold onto will absolutely define your world and allow who you are to influence others. For the positive or negative. I pray that God gives you that discernment to choose the right things to hold onto in the right things to let go love so that you will become a positive influence on this world.

We are letting go of much of what the world defines as success, but in no means are we letting go of all the experiences we have been blessed to be a part of. Thank you to all of you who have challenged us and invested your friendship, trust and love in us. You’ll definitely be with us always!